Love Never Dies is the sequel to my favorite musical, the Andrew Lloyd Webber masterpiece Phantom of the Opera. To my dismay (but not my surprise) it was a complete disaster.

Let’s start with the music. The best songs in the entire show are the ones from the original. The new music is modified carnival music, which makes sense because the play takes place on Coney Island. I only remember one of the new songs, which was the title track. In the play, this song is supposed to represent the Phantom’s magnum opus… the song that will bring Christine back to him. Instead the whole number is a joke. It was supposed to be the climax of the show, and I laughed the entire time.

The lyrics were as worthless as the music. Throughout the play, most of the characters just narrated the story in prose, but it was set to music. On the rare occasion that the lyrics did rhyme, it was so forced it was painful. Just imagine someone reading from a bad romance novel to the melody of carnival music, and save yourself the trouble of listening to the soundtrack.

How about the plot? For the sake of simplicity, let’s call the original play a love story: the characters’ actions are motivated by love. As the play goes on, the characters develop and we enjoy learning more about them. In the sequel, the same characters are suddenly motivated by money; Meg is a prostitute and Raoul is a broke alcoholic. Everyone is static and uninteresting. You don’t leave the theater with any sense of satisfaction, or with the feeling that your time and money were well spent.

The character of the Phantom was another disappointment. In the original, he is mysterious and suave in his tight tuxedo with slicked black hair. When we are introduced to him in a puff of smoke behind a mirror, he seems almost supernatural… truly like an angel of music. If that’s not enough, he lurks in the bowels of an opera house. Cool! Contrast that with the sequel. We are introduced to a lovesick Phantom wearing a black bathrobe who runs a carnival from a giant purple head-shaped room with the help of three henchmen straight out of Rocky Horror Picture Show. He is an emo carnie bum who got caught up in some baby daddy drama.

And I use the word “drama” loosely. How’s this for foreshadowing: early in the play we learn that Christine’s son is 10 years old. Soon after, we learn that the Phantom and Christine slept together 10 years ago. I heard the lady behind me say, “I bet the Phantom is the father.” She deserved a bigger sarcastic applause than the entire show.

Thank goodness that was not the only production we saw in London. Our theater experience was redeemed by the musical Oliver and the opera La Fille du Regiment.

I had seen Oliver once before, but it was a small local production. The music is catchy, and the plot is simple. I like that. The opening song was pretty amazing; over the course of “Food, Glorious Food,” about 50 kids emerge from various doors in the stage.

I loved the sets because they actually complemented the play. There weren’t bells and whistles added for spectacle; the elevators and trap doors all served a purpose. Contrast that, once again, with Love Never Dies, which was full of gimmicky costumes and sets.

We also saw La Fille Du Regiment at the Royal Opera. Turns out I actually enjoy going to the opera. Who knew? Earlier in the day, we had taken a backstage tour of the Royal Opera House, which definitely increased my appreciation for the production. We had the chance to see how the huge sets are moved and stored, and we watched a ballet rehearsal.

I am told that I was privileged to see Juan Diego Flórez and Natalie Dessay as the principles in our performance, and yes, they were fantastic. I loved everything about the evening: the sets, the music, the singing, the acting, the costumes. I used to make fun of my mom for being an opera fanatic, but she has successfully converted me.